I am getting married on this boat in 14 days and have not really taken the time to get excited about it. I haven't made seating charts, or picked out the flowers, or made most of my arrangements like some brides-to-be. Part of that is because I run my own business {and won't allow anyone to do anything for me because I am a stubborn ass} and part of that is because I have been solely focused on ensuring that everyone else around me, both personally and professionally, is taken care of --- and have forgotten to take care of myself.
{Until yesterday.}
Yesterday, after a particularly difficult day, following a particularly difficult week, I found myself unable to escape my own mind. As someone with very permeable skin, I had allowed several incidents to pierce through me and leave their heavy weight on my heart. I couldn't shake the internet trolls and the feeling that I was perpetually hurting or letting the people I love down. Now, I'm aware that we all have our junk {and my junk is ME} --- but I was so focused on ensuring others happiness that I forgot that a major moment of my happiness was just around the corner.
{Until yesterday.}
Yesterday, my dear friend, and creative guru, Laura said to me, "Kate, you are allowed to focus on you and enjoy this time. You are getting married and you have permission to enjoy it. Let everyone else deal with their own shit for once." And I realized, she was so right. I will never have this moment again. I will never have these people, and this body, and this life right now ever again. And I was allowing my own sense of SELF-IMPOSED caretaker-ness cut me off from enjoying everything in my life.
Here's my truth: I am a professional permission giver. I give artists permission to share their art in the audition room. I give them permission to get paid for that art with a contract. I give people permission to embrace their uglies in private coaching sessions and workshops. I give my friends permission to share their feelings and hurts with me so that our relationships remain healthy. Yet, just like everyone else, I find that I rarely am given permission without a fight --- I have to fight for what I want with a hyphenated job title that has no correct path or structure. I just keep hacking away at this artistic jungle until I see some light and find some fun animal friends. {And I love it most of the time.}
But the simple act of allowing my friend to give me permission made me realize how VITAL it is to surround yourself with people who do just that. Who look you in the face and remind you that YOU HAVE PERMISSION to enjoy your life no questions asked. YOU HAVE PERMISSION to focus on you. YOU HAVE PERMISSION to spend the day not solving the problems, not being the problems, but playing in your own messy uglies.
So now, I am going to go try on my wedding dress --- which just arrived ---- and enjoy the next two weeks. And after that, I am going to find something else to give myself permission to be focused on. Because permission to enjoy yourself is NOT SELFISH. It is the only way to survive this industry, this city, and your life.